Thinking about breaking girl code? Before you let your presuming guilt fully take over, know that breaking girl code, while tricky, can sometimes be exactly what you need in order to find true love and happiness. Breaking girl code however, should NOT be taken lightly. It’s a decision you need to be sure of, and to help clarify what breaking girl code entails, we sat down with award-winning actress, author, and celebrity life coach expert, the fabulous Brooke Lewis! While Brooke stressed to us that she’s a HUGE proponent of girl code, there are a few select and specific times when breaking it could actually be your healthiest option.
“The girl code to me is an agreement between women that should be etched in stone, where secrets and guys are locked in a vault,” Brooke shared with HollywoodLife.com EXCLUSIVELY. “I am SO in favor of girl code personally and professionally. It is so important.” For Brooke, and for many women, girl code is a way of life, and it’s how women know other females have their back. “In my professional opinion, girl code exists to empower women,” Brooke explained. “It is an agreement of respect, and that to me is the foundation of friendships and relationships; respect, loyalty, and trust. So if we commit as women to girl code, and follow it strictly, then we empower each other as women.” Click here to see gorgeous pics from Brooke Lewis’ engagement to Mark Steven.
But while all of that is completely valid, SOMETIMES girl code can hurt more than it helps. Admitting that these situations can be “tricky,” Brooke revealed to us what these situations may look like and how you can navigate through them — hopefully while keeping your most precious friendships in tact. “I am SUCH a proponent of girl code, it is unbelievably important, but as an expert, and as a woman who has grown, it can be harmful when YOU are committed to girl code and a friend is not,” the author of Coaching From A Professed Hot Mess, said. “If she does not support you or have your best interests at heart, that can be an issue. We’ve all experienced that.”
Brooke elaborated, “It’s that friend who tells you you look great in that outfit before you go out on Friday night, but she’s lying. She’s the one who tells you to stay with that awful guy. She’s not supporting you or looking out for you, and that’s a problem — that’s when girl code needs to be broken.” Breaking off a toxic friendship like that may seem sad and/or lonely at first, but in the end you’ll only be making more room in your life for positive influences and TRUE friendships.
Another time Brooke says it’s sometimes acceptable to break girl code is when you’ve completely fallen for a friend’s ex or crush. And we’re not talking about puppy love here! Your connection must be the REAL deal if you’re contemplating breaking girl code. “Let’s say you’ve dated a guy, and maybe it wasn’t a super serious relationship, and your friend connects with him on a really deep level — I’ve seen it happen,” Brooke told us. “Someone has dated someone’s ex boyfriend and ended up marrying him! That to me is fated, destiny, serendipity — that’s when you have to look at both sides of the discussion.”
The relationship guru stressed though that it’s HOW you approach the topic with your friend that could make or break your friendship. “First and foremost, when you are going to break [girl code], I want there to be absolute communication and honesty,” Brooke said. In the end, you’re living your life for yourself — no one else. And sometimes, your happiness — and sanity — just needs to come first. “It’s ok sometimes to be self-ISH [different from selfish] — sometimes you have to give yourself permission to be a little self-ish — to put yourself first,” the actress noted. “[You deserve to] find joy and find happiness. If that guy is the perfect guy for you, then I believe there is a way, through authentic truth and honesty, to work that out with your friend.”
In the name of true love, girl code can also be broken if you and your gal pal’s friendship has officially run its course. “Sometimes we just know in our hearts, without any malice or anger, that a relationship or friendship has run its course,” Brooke said. “When that happens, when you KNOW that friendship has ended, then you have rights to find happiness or love, and it’s ok to date someone that person has dated.” We totally think that’s fair!
It’s also ok to break the code when WE chose it — when you’re the one who’s dated the guy. “I dated a guy 15 years ago, he was fantastic — but not the right guy for me,” the relationship expert revealed of her own past. “We stayed friends, and I chose to set him up with three of my best girl friends. Why shouldn’t my friends have a great guy, right?” SO true! That only goes to prove that sometimes allowing girl code to be broken could be both selfless and empowering. “It’s a positive way to break girl code,” Brooke added.
As we mentioned before though, breaking girl code should not be an easy decision. It should be carefully contemplated and communicated, otherwise you risk not only your friendship, but also your reputation. “Walk in [your friend’s] Louboutins first and think about how if you were in their shoes, how would you feel about this?” Brooke advised. “Just really be clear, and think about it first. I really do believe that guys come and go, but girl friends are forever, for the most part. You have to remember that true girl friend friendship is locked in that vault. You want to make powerful choices before you do break the code.”
So you’ve thought about. And you’re SURE breaking girl code is in your best interest? Brooke explains how you can handle the situation. First, always keep in mind that communication is key. “Be authentic, be real, speak from the heart, which leads to full honesty,” the life coach stressed. “For me, as a coach, I’m not about communicating digitally. Do not put it in a text if you’re about to go date your friend’s ex, PLEASE do not put it in a text! I don’t even like a phone call when it comes to something like that. Take your best friend out, sit her down, look in her eyes, speak from your heart, and communicate what you are about to choose. Also, take responsibility — that’s something a lot of people don’t do.”
As it turns out, taking ownership of what you’re about to do/what you did, could make a huge difference in salvaging your friendship. “When someone speaks their truth and owns their honesty, there’s not much else anyone can be besides angry,” Brooke explained. “It helps soften the blow for the other person.” Most importantly, make it clear to your friend that you still want to be friends. Brooke recommends saying something along the lines of, “Look, I’m about to break girl code, which I know will affect our friendship, but how can we work on this together because I respect our relationship? How can we work on this together to save our friendship WHILE breaking girl code?”
“Look at each other in the eyes,” Brooke added. “Skype, FaceTime, whatever you have to do.” Not every friendship can be saved though. Breaking girl code comes with the very real possibility that you may lose a friend — or even a whole group of friends — and that’s something you need to be prepared for. “You have to look at both sides of the issue,” Brooke said. “You have to be willing to lose that friendship. Sadly, you have to be willing to have that friend walk away from you. You want to know that the consequence may entail other friends leaving your friendship too. You may be labeled as that friend who’s the boyfriend stealer who can’t be trusted.”
So what can you do to help you make the final decision — to break girl code or not to break it? “You have to evaluate your friendship,” Brooke said to us mater-of-factly. “Think, ‘What is more important to me in this moment? My friend? Or dating this guy? My friendship or breaking girl code by sharing a secret my friend shared?’ It’s a really powerful choice you’re making.” Keep in mind that while breaking girl code could very well make YOUR life happier, it may truly hurt someone else. So make sure to keep that in perspective.
Overall though, girl code is your friend! “I think we need girl code now more than ever,” Brooke said. “More than ever, we are stepping into a time and universe of girl power, of female empowerment, and of supporting other women… The more women get behind other women, the more we give them the strength and power to be who they’re supposed to be.” We couldn’t have said it better ourselves!
Tell us, HollywoodLifers — could you see yourself ever breaking the girl code?